Nov 28/2017   10:40 AM
Blood level  458.  You would have thought that I had eaten a whole turkey for diner before eating a chicken as a desert.  I took my insulin shots on time.

Joke:A zoo keeper accidentally spilled a 10 gallon barrel of ammonium in the PANDA HOUSE causing chaos!   "The animals are running everywhere!" said the keeper. He quickly picked up his secret for fixing these things, a loud speaker fixed to the pana's ear frequency :"  Help!  Stop this chaos!  he said to the animals!   There was a large ammonium spill.  IT IS CAUSING PANDA-AMONIIA!  The  bears were shaken but, when they found out it wasn't bad, they all relaxed after finding their hero next to them uninjured.  The zoo keeper repaired the damage.

Now isn't it good to know why I take insulin shots for diabetes?  It makes me remember the time I saw the ammonium spil at the zoo.

11/26/18  7/27 Am  Temperature 460

One elephant says to another, "How many big game hunters does it take to make a good shish kabob? 

"How many?"
Six.  Three on each tusk.

1/20/18  7:20 AM blood 264

A guy with an injured arm went to a doctor.  The doctor took one look at him and said, "Open your mouth, stick out your tongue and say 'ahhhhh'."   The patient was overcome with incredulity. "It's my arm that's injured, not my tongue!" Upon which the doctor said, "All right.  Open your mouth, stick out your ARM and say 'ahhhhh'.

11/18/18 6:45 AM  Blood 271

27

                The difference between the pope and Martin Luther:

Pope: Brother, can you spare a dime

Martin Luther: Brother can you paradigm?

28

                What did Adam tell God late on the sixth day of creation?  "Go ahead.  Make my day."  (Famous line from “Dirty Harry” movies starring Clint Eastwood)

29  11/20/18  7:15 AM   Blood 264

A guy with an injured arm went to a doctor.  The doctor took one look at him and said, "Open your mouth, stick out your tongue and say 'ahhhhh'."   The patient was overcome with incredulity. "It's my arm that's injured, not my tongue!" Upon which the doctor said, "All right.  Open your mouth, stick out your ARM and say 'ahhhhh'.

11/13/18  1:05 PM  Blood 261

Teacher: Johnny!  You do so will in all your subjects except  in arithmetic!  It seems like you leave a lot of the answers blank!  Why is this?
                “Because the problem requires me to subtract the number 4 from something!” he replied.

                “Why is that important?” she asked.

                “My mommy says it’s evil!

                The puzzled teacher paused.  “Why is it evil?” she asked.

                “Because you said that subtracting is negating, didn’t you?   It’s like every time you put a minus sign in front of a number you’re negating it, right?  Isn’t that what you said?
                “Why, yes.  It makes the 4 a negative number.  Why is that evil?
                “My mommy said it is a sin to be a four-negator!”

Blood: 249.  I ran out of the weekly medicine.    I think it's called Trulicity.
6/47/AM 11/12/18   I took my Monday Meds too and my shot.

Bad Taste

23

                Have you heard that Saddam's troops were treated to "ShockNAwes" ice cream?

New Joke

11/11/18  6:42 AM  Blood 188

A cross between a crow and a bat?  Acrobat.  Cross it with a tic?  Acrobatics.

Have you heard that Saddam's troops were treated to "ShockNAwes" ice cream?

I made a new product.  It will do the same thing for cream that Coffee Mate did for coffee.  I'm calling it "CreamMate".  I'm getting the ingredients from the best crematoriums.

I ran out of Trylicity and my blood shot up

Blood 195  7:13 AM   11/10/18

21

                Why is a bee hive big and round?  It's a bee city (obesity).

11/9/18 Blood 247 (I forgot and ate breakfast this morning of 4 eggs.)

Angry Shirt

When I was a kid my mom told me, "I want you to hang up your shirt until your dad gets home."  As I tried to do so my shirt rebelled!  "Why are you so disturbed?" I asked my shirt.  "Well," said the shirt.  "If you were told you were to be hung by the neck until dad, wouldn't you be filled with hangar too?"

11/8/18   11/12 AM  Blood: 202
Joke:  Why did the elephant wish he had only one ear? 
He didn't want to be two-ear-elephant (too irrelevant)

Satan, the allegator.

Blood level.  173  11/7/18  10:21 AM
  I have a good joke to tell  you.   Why is an alligator better suited to be the devel than Lucifer?    An alligator makes all of the ALLEGATIONS.

Blood 310  6:41 AM  11/07/2018

26

                A preacher wanted to get his congregation to read the Bible more often.  He planted a subliminal suggestion in background music to his sermon.  It was just one word spoken over and

over again: "Bible...Bible...Bible".  Sure enough, by the next week most had bought a bull.

4:15 PM 11/6/18

One cannibal said to another,  “How was dinner with your aunt last night?”
“Both good and bad.  When I got there I found she was so generous with other people she gave away all our food and we had nothing to make soup with.”

“What did you do?

“I killed her, put her in the vat, cooked and ate her.”

What did you add to your soup to make it so gooood?

“The best  __ "ingredient"      is an     "un- greedy- aunt!” 

9:51 AM  11/6/18  blood 193.

When I was a kid my mom told me, "I want you to hang up your shirt near the nick nack until your dad gets home."  As I tried to do so my shirt rebelled!  "Why are you so disturbed?" I asked my shirt.  "Well," said the shirt.  "If you were told you were to be hung by the neck until dad, wouldn't you be filled with hangar too?"

11;5;18  7:21 AM
Blool 155

20

Have you heard of the aardvark that had amnesia?  I told him, "You're an aardvark".  Then  he denied it saying, "I ant eater!"

21

Teacher: Johnny!  You do so will in all your subjects except  in arithmetic!  It seems like you leave a lot of the answers blank!  Why is this?
                “Because the problem requires me to subtract the number 4 from something!” he replied.

                “Why is that important?” she asked.

                “My mommy says it’s evil!

                The puzzled teacher paused.  “Why is it evil?” she asked.

                “Because you said that subtracting is negating, didn’t you?   It’s like every time you put a minus sign in front of a number you’re negating it, right?  Isn’t that what you said?
                “Why, yes.  It makes the 4 a negative number.  Why is that evil?
                “My mommy said it is a sin to be a four-negator!”

Bood 154  1:56 PM  11/4/18

My girl scout.

T'was the morning of camp out.  I had to prepare

I knew that my hip teenage daughter'd be there.

I knew she'd be picky 'bout all that I'd say

I wanted to please her so she'd let me stay.

The first think I did was to shelve all my books.

I shaved and wore skin cream to upgrade my looks.

I had a renewing of my brain synapses

And one-by-one purged out the rest of my sin-lapses.

I thought I was ready this time to please-please her

To make her calm, happy and to fully ease-ease her.

But all baby boomers, old, as such as I am,

One whose war era is called "Viet Nam."

Can only take on him the role of a dad.

That I do well and it makes me glad-glad.

So I wish that I could be modern, cool-cool.

Just like the kids who she knows in high-school.

Maybe one day I can do that, some way.

Yes, maybe the future - but not yet today.

So I went to camp-out, read tales by the fire.

I fed her and hugged her and hoped to inspire

And found that we bonded and our love increased.

And all her anxiety, thence was released.

And still I wasn't close to cool-cool

But none of that mattered much when we were through.

I may never be like her teen-age best friend.

But she has both her and me too in the end.

Sigh.

Love you dear.

Blood 154  11:4:18   1:48 PM

Greedy Aunt

One cannibal said to another, “How was dinner with your aunt last night?”
“Both good and bad.  When I got there I found she was so generous with other people she gave away all our food and we had nothing to make soup with.”

“What did you do?

“I killed her, put her in the vat, cooked and ate her.”

“How did she taste?

“The best ingredient is an un greedy aunt!”

7:34 AM 11/3/18
Blood 158

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS by Thomas Dobbs

Once upon a time, in a faraway rainforest, there lived a family of 4 little pigs. There lived Daddy pig, Andy pig, Randy pig, and their sister, Sandy pig.

Now one day, while Andy and Randy where playing in the field, Daddy came out and said, “Andy Randy stop that! Now today is the day that you get ready to go out into the world and build homes of your own.”

“All by ourselves? Out among the wolves?” The two pigs replied. “Now, now you have nothing to fear for you are strong smart boys who can take care of your selves,” Daddy replied back.

Then Daddy went to Sandy pig saying “Sandy today is the day you get ready to go out into the world to build a home of your own.” Sandy replied “O Daddy I am ready, but first I want to show you some drawings. You see these are my plans for my plans for a state of the art brick house.” But the only response she got from Daddy was “Well, isn’t that cute. It’s a picture of a house. Well don’t you worry darling daughter. Your brothers will take care of you.” So the very next day the three little pigs went out into the world to build homes of their own.

Andy’s home was built of straw, Randy’s home was built of sticks, and Sandy’s home was a state of the art brick house.   When the three houses were finished, Sandy came to her two brothers saying “Dear brothers that house of straw over there, and this house of sticks. Well they will not keep you safe when the wolf comes to call.”

Then Andy and Randy replied “We have nothing to fear for we are strong smart boys who can take care of ourselves.” Then Sandy just turned away shook her head and mumbled quietly to herself “I cannot believe those are my brothers.”

That very night the wolf came up to Andy’s house of straw and said “Little pig, little pig let me come in.”

All sacking in fear Andy responded “n-n-n-not by the hair on my ch-ch-chiny chin chin.”

The wolf said “Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down.” And just like a hurricane upon a village in just a few seconds the house was turned to rubble on the ground. All filled with panic and fear, Andy ran as fast as he could to Randy’s house to hide. Then the next day the wolf found them and said: “Little pigs, little pigs let me come in!” Then the two pigs replied together “NOT BY THE HAIR ON OUR CHINY CHIN CHINS!” Then, just like Andy’s house, the wolf took a deep breath and blew Randy’s house of sticks to the ground.

Getting desperate, Andy and Randy ran over to their sister’s house of bricks and started pounding at the door until they heard Sandy saying “Coming. Oh can’t a girl get a decent night’s sleep?” Then the moment the door opened Andy and Randy both came rushing into the house screaming “Oh Sandy dear sister save us from the wolf.” Then Sandy replied “Oh from the wolf? I couldn’t. I am just a girl.” Then Andy and Randy both said together “Oh no-no-no-no-no! You are just as strong and smart as we are. Stronger, smarter, much smarter.

We are just numskulls, dimwits, chuckle-heads.”

Hearing the panic in their voices she agreed to let them in. The wolf, getting tired of blowing the houses down only to have his prey escape, he thought he would try to trick the pigs into coming out. After all how intelligent could a pig be? So that night at around midnight the three little pigs heard a voice coming from the chimney saying “Ho-HO-Ho it is I Santa Clause with presents for three good little pigs. Ho-H-Ho” Hearing this Andy and Randy both got really excited and started jumping in joy. Then Sandy said “Boys think. Christmas is in December and this is the middle of summer.” Taking a moment to think it over Andy and Randy shout together: “HE’S EARLY!” And then started dancing around in circles like idiots. Then Sandy said to herself “They couldn’t be my brothers.” And then she grabbed a rocket from her basement that she had been saving from the fourth of July and shot it up the fireplace. Then as the three little pigs stood outside Andy asked Sandy “Where is Santa going?” Randy asked.  “Will he be coming back?” Then Sandy said to herself, “Definitely not my brothers.”

I thought that, by adding jokes to the messages, that it would be a good thing and entertain you.
Why not give me some feedback so I know what people like, don't like or are indifferent?  Please
tell me if you like the jokes or not.   Share one of your jokes with me.  Thank you.

8:46  11/2/18  185 Blood
"Son, why aren't you eating your alphabet soup?"
"For the same you don't eat sugar." 
"Why is that?"
"You are diabetic.   I am alphabetic."

Blood 183   11/1/18  2/17/PM

12

`               How many bunnies does it take to build the Washington Monument?  Twenty thousand.  Ten to do the blue prints, the rest are for labor.

                `How many elephants does it take to build the Washington Monument?   Fifty one.  Only fifty if they buy the blue prints from the bunnies.

13

One elephant says to another, "How many big game hunters does it take to make a good shish kabob? 

                "How many?"
                Six.  Three on each tusk.

14  What do you get when you cross an insect, a hummingbird and a lamb?  A BAAAAA HUM BUG!

15

                Teacher: Johnny!  You do so will in all your subjects except  in arithmetic!  It seems like you leave a lot of the answers blank!  Why is this?
                “Because the problem requires me to subtract the number 4 from something!” he replied.

                “Why is that important?” she asked.

                “My mommy says it’s evil!

                The puzzled teacher paused.  “Why is it evil?” she asked.

                “Because you said that subtracting is negating, didn’t you?   It’s like every time you put a minus sign in front of a number you’re negating it, right?  Isn’t that what you said?
                “Why, yes.  It makes the 4 a negative number.  Why is that evil?
                “My mommy said it is a sin to be a four-negator!”                  (fornecater)

17           A breeder crossed a sheep with a cow hoping to get beef and wool from the same animal but all he got was an animal that was always in a baaaaad mooooood.

Why did the elephant wish he had only one ear?  He didn't want to be two ear-elephant.  (Too irrelevant.)

18

                 A chicken was flying across town to buy some leather made out of otter's skin as a present for his brother. Getting rather tired, he searched for a place to rest his weary wings.  Looking down, he spied an Easter parade in which a huge crucifix was being carried down the street in

the same direction he happened to be going.  Being an opportunistic fowl, he perched on top of the crucifix.  No one was wondering why the "chicken crossed the road", but rather, why the "chicken rode the cross". Only the chicken knew the answer: "to get to the otter's hide".

11/1/18   Blood 155

10

                The man bought his wife a deaf  horse in an effort to save his marriage.  When he brought it to his wife she said, "You fool!  I didn't tell you I wanted a deaf horse!  I said I wanted a DIVORCE!  Dogonit!
To which he replied, "Well, if you wanted a dog on it you should have told me yesterday when the kennel was open!"